~Discovering Virtue~

Proverbs 31:10~
           ~A virtuous woman, who can find? For her price is far above rubies.~

I have often heard Proverbs 31 used to define what God sees as Beautiful. I guess this is as good a place to start as any. I have read this passage many times. I dont think i have ever really stopped to ponder what it means or think about how it could apply to my life..... so looking to this passage with new eyes, lets see what i can find....

What exactly is Virtuous? when i hear that question I think of Honesty, Loyalty, Sweet, Kind, Patient, and Purity. At this point, I already feel like I have bitten off more than I can chew.... This long look in the mirror already has me shaking my head.....

I have known a few extremely amazing women in my life..... The one that stand front and formost in my my mind is Reva Marcum.....I adopted this lady as my "grandma" when I was really young..... I look back and remember her for her gentleness and kindness. She always had a smile on her face. She always had a kind word to say to everyone in her path. I remember her singing hymns in her kitchen while cooking and I remember her praying with me before I went to sleep on the nights I spent at her house. She was always busy doing something.... cooking, cleaning, sewing, and various house hold activities. She oozed what i would call Proverbs 31 Beauty....

I also think back and remember Mrs Stroud..... She was something else..... every time I would go to church she would greet me at the door with 2 questions and a verse!!!! Did I remember to read my Bible and Did I remember to Pray that day..... and along with that she would quote a verse that had touched her heart that week.... Never failed.... as sure as the sun rises.... that was the greeting you would recieve.... What an example of seeking after Gods heart.

So over the next few blog post I will seek to discover exactly what each quality of the Proverbs 31 woman means, which ones i possess, which ones I need to achieve and how to achieve them.....

I suppose this feeling of being over whelmed is natural.  This is going to be a long journey. But one I feel will be well worth it.....

Beautiful in God's Eyes

I guess the best place to start my Journey is to start at the beginning. I am sure that evaluating the past will give me a better insight to what God would like me to change, as well as the qualities that HE is please with already......

I grew up in a happy home. I attended a Baptist church, and we were there every time the doors were open. I attended a Christian School. I had an *INCREDIBLE* mom. I had a very hardworking dad that sacrificed alot of himself and his free time to ensure that my brother , sister and I had everything we needed as well as a Christian education. I was never particularly close to my siblings because of the age difference.... They were 5&6 years older than me. But that was due to the fact we were just in different stages of our lives. I was extremely close to my mother. We spent hours talking and reading and doing various activities. There was nothing we couldn't talk about. Life was great..... or so I thought.....

I was 13.... My mom wanted to talk to me..... we settled into her bed ..... the the word..... "DIVORCE"...

WHAT?!?!?! For one brief second, i thought this was a sick joke..... but one look into my moms face and seeing there the tears and pain..... I knew life had in 2 seconds changed forever.... nothing was ever gonna be the same.... This wasn't supposed to happen to us.... this happened to other families.... Not to mine.... I recall laying there with my mom, crying until exhaustion claimed me and sleep came..... The next few days are a blur.... I must have muddled through them. I mean, I am still here. I just remembered that my perfect world had come crashing down.... there was nothing there but a shattered memory of what was..... 

The next few years were full of anger, bitterness, depression, rebellion, and heartbreak...... A combination of lack-of-caring and distrust of everyone and everything, along with the confusing and crazy hormones of being a teenager who's frontal lobe hadn't completely developed yet made for a disastrous combination. I mean how do you trust the adults in your life when they are responsible for the disaster in the first place? I began to look for affirmation in my peers.... particularly boys..... who weren't showing a whole lot of interest.... I began to see my self as worthless and unlovable..... 

I did have one friend..... ..... she was always there to listen.... we had our squabbles and spats.... but she never turned her back on me..... i don't really know how she dealt with my crazy life, but she did.... The one Hi light of my teen years.... 

Things went from bad to worse.... 

I was 18.... finally.... I could leave this stupid town.... this stupid state.... this stupid life..... I was gonna make it on my own.....I joined the military.... I know what your thinking..... but it was really a good move.... it taught me some discipline and loyalty, selfless service and honor..... 

I made several friends.... still searching for acceptance in all the wrong places..... and searching for my self worth in a man.... I met and married a man that i had absolutely no business marrying.... we had nothing in common.... We had the fireworks.... but that was about it..... and I mistakenly accepted that as love.... by the time I had figured out my mistake, I was pregnant with my son.....  

I wanted my son to have everything in the world that he deserved.... A family that was intact.... and happy childhood and  all the love he could stand..... I want to make it work for him..... Don't get me wrong.... I grew to love his father..... at least what i thought was love.... I guess in hindsight it was more dead determination not to become a divorce statistic.... not to become my parents,.....to prove to the rest of the world that they were wrong.... maybe it was the overwhelming fear of abandonment that made me fight so hard to save that marriage..... whatever it was it was rooted in pride and stubbornness.....

2 military moves, a deployment, another baby, and 5 years...... There it was again..... that dirty word..... DIVORCE..... i was a failure.... i had become the very thing that i had detested..... a statistic.... a single mom.... this did nothing for my self esteem..... who would want me now..... I was damaged goods.... if the father of my children couldn't love me .... then who could? The mirror was a hateful thing..... I looked in it and couldn't stand what i saw..... Failure, ugly, stupid, fat, idiot, moron, ...... who could ever love me?

Its funny how life comes full circle..... The church was what i had run away from..... now i was running to it..... Walking in the door.... the familiar hallways and faces seemed to give a peace that I hadn't felt in a very long time.... although i still didn't know where i belonged.... i felt a tug at my heart. I chose to go to the Singles Sunday School class..... I wasn't single but i was headed that way again......

Over the next few months I began to realize that God loved me for who i was.... flaws and all.... I wasn't damaged goods to God.... I was his child.... I was a princess.... Over the next couple of years , I began to see myself  in a different light..... Many days I faked confidence while i  was so unsure on the inside....  I was raising 2 little boys all on my own and i had no clue what i was doing..... I was working to provide for them and doing the best i could......

I began to learn about myself.... to find myself in God... to build my faith and to find his purpose for me.... 

I began to rebuild the relationship with my mom that had been shattered so many years before..... And sometimes it felt like 1 step forward and 2 steps back..... but i was lucky.... after everything i had said to her in years past.... she still forgave and loved me ..... we worked on it together and she has now become a source of strength for me..... but more than that.... she is my friend!!!!!

God eventually brought my husband into my life.... in a manner that would make some people laugh!!!! trust me I laugh all the time..... but God works in mysterious ways.... he really showed his amazing way this time.... I finally learned what true love was.... I learned that Love isn't just a feeling.... its a promise.... a trust.... a fellowship between 2 people.... I can think of so many ways Brandon changed my life..... I still find it hard to believe that I am worthy of his love.... but he shows me every day that I am.

A year after we married, Brandon adopted both my boys..... thus filling the cracks of the broken home.... the family mad of broken pieces was whole.... as if it was never broken..... After another year we had the opportunity to adopt our 3rd son.... and our family grew !!!!

How have I found such favor in Gods eyes after everything I have done wrong in my life..... that God would bless me with such a wonderful family?!?! How have I earned the trust that he must have to give me this responsibility????? I wanna be more than I am..... I wanna be a good wife and mom..... 

So with that being said.... I step forward..... The Bible as my guide.... I seek to be

                                                                                  ~BEAUTIFUL IN GOD'S EYES~